Thoughts on Rest and Availability
“We know, intellectually, that always being on is neither realistic nor healthy to attempt. Yet it is hard to keep appropriate boundaries while being incessantly bombarded with buzzes and beeps.”
Technology has dissolved our sense of personal space. 40 years ago, when we left a building, we could not take a phone call. Messages were taken and responded to later. Texts and emails didn’t exist, nor did the myriad of apps that tap us on the shoulder for attention today. One could walk down the street being present to their surroundings and the people around them, or stroll through the woods in peace, silence and stillness.
Now, we live in a world that gives the illusion—the possibility even—of always being available or "on" to the outside world. Most of us (it is often assumed that everyone) carry(ies) a personal computer in our pockets or purses. We are simultaneously receiving calls, texts, emails and messages from multiple platforms and accounts at any given time, day and night.
We know, intellectually, that always being on is neither realistic nor healthy to attempt. Yet it is hard to keep appropriate boundaries while being incessantly bombarded with buzzes and beeps.
Have you had this experience ?
Imagine it’s a Saturday afternoon and the phone rings with a call or text or other message and you just don't want to answer or respond. Not because you are rejecting the person on the other side of the line. But because your energy is in more of a still, restful, quiet, or just a different space.
The Joyologist, Tricia Huffman (click photo to view more)
When this happens, I find myself running through the shoulds (“Oh, I should answer that.”) then the guilt ensues. (“Ugh. I am a <insert negative self talk here> if I don’t answer that right now.”) Later, the apologies follow (where are my fellow recovering over-apologizers at?!).
So, what to do instead?
As the Joyologist Tricia Huffman says, F*** THE SHOULDS… and the guilt. It is perfectly fine to simply 👏🏻 not 👏🏻 be 👏🏻 available👏🏻 at your own discretion. Your time is just that: yours. It is okay to be resting. It’s even fine to be on your phone or computer doing something else and not respond to messages in real time.
I gave the example of a Saturday afternoon, because it can be easier to imagine being in a restful and self-reflective space on the weekend. But this practice applies to any day of the week: Let yourself rest. Recharge your batteries until you are ready to engage. Then respond when you are available with no apologies or explanations.
By waiting to respond until you are in a communicative space, you will be more present to the conversation and open to the person on the other side of the ether. You will avoid projecting a ‘should-mode,’ with forced and potentially frustrated energy toward those who you love or respect. You will be thinking more clearly and likely, you will be more kind, receptive toward, and productive in the interaction.
It’s a reminder. An offering. A practice. And, something that I’ve been pondering this weekend. Along with the fact that as we give that grace to ourselves, we are invited to offer it to others, as well.
That means letting others be when they don’t respond immediately. Not guilting or shaming them. Not letting our own anxieties or insecurities trigger us about “being ignored.” Even if you can see a ‘Read’ receipt. Considering that they might conduct their life on a different schedule than us. Not wasting our energy wondering what they are doing instead of responding to us. Just moving on with our days until the response comes in.
If we all remembered and respected a sense of space around ourselves and each other, our collective anxiety would lesson. Though society has conditioned us to be über-on and limitlessly responsive Monday through Friday, we can imagine another way. “The way it’s always been” is not the way it always must be.
When I consider how I run and participate in my businesses, and the kind of the presence I want to show up with for my family, another way is the only way for me. Even if that means figuring out a new way as I go.
Among the things that I would like to leave in 2020 is the illusion and performance of perm-availability.
Does this resonate for you?